We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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