stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
