You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
