new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
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went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Oh god it's open bar.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize