Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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