I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Text me some of your sweat
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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