Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
