the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
