Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
