If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
