I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
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How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Boobs speak an international language.
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She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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