Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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