I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
