I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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