Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I can't put those talents on a resume
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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