Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
