Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
