i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
