This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
