Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
