I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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