Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
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