Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
