I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
