we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
