just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
