the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
