Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
