nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
