Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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