the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
