I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
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We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
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She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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