Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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