the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
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Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
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I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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