in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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