Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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