I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize