I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
