We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
