guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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