Even the bartender felt bad for me
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
