please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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