So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
