i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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