imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
The Olympian is in my bed
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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