the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I lost the right to judge tonight
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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