I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
