do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
