when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
