saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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