I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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