So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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